funeral

After we returned from our short lived vacation, life became a blur. We drove back to ktown as fast as we could all the while in communication with one other trying to make sense of the last minutes and seconds of dad's life. Michael said that the timing of his death was clearly an indication of God's hand in our lives. The family was gathering for a happy reunion, we had just spend father's day with him. I was expecting a baby, new life. When I got back to mom's house I want to see my dad immediatly, but we had to wait. I found a bag that the hospital gave to my grandmother. It had his clothes in it, the ones he died in. The shirt was cut open with blood stains on the front, his orthopedic shoes, his wallet, watch, pants, garments...I slept over and awoke to ryan leaning over me saying "Janelle, our father is dead."
The day to day was truly unreal. Family was all around, friends were there, food kept coming, flowers and cards were abundant. We were somber, but comforted in each other. I truly am blessed to have such a spectacular family and friends. The strength and comfort was there through so many cousins, aunt, uncles, grandparents, and siblings and good friends. I cannot express how utterly thankful I am for this and how comforting it was to lean on so many loving people. Everyone took care of us and it felt so good. At the time I felt sad and alone, but as I came out of the fog, I realized how wonderful and truly comforting everyone was. That is what carried me thru those first few weeks. Mom and dad's ward members went above and beyond in helping our family in so many ways.
When we got home from the coast I had an overwhelming urge to see him and hug him. It didnt seem right not to expect him to come home, it was hard to get used to him not being there....it still is. One night, someone came home to mom's house late and for a split second I thought it was my dad coming home with some treats he had just gotten on a late night sugar run. He would throw a twix or reeses at me.
We went to the funeral home to buy his casket and pick out plots and things of that nature. We had not yet seen him. We were sitting in the hall waiting for something and uncle Tom came around the corner saying that they were going to wheel dad into a different room. A worker then pushed my dad on a gurny past the hall. He was there, I wanted to hug him, he looked like he was sleeping but his lips were blue. I wanted so much to see him, but, seeing his dead body was the hardest thing to see. Once they had dad dressed and in his casket they wheeled him into a private room so we could say our goodbyes. I finally got to hug him, but he was cold and dead, but did look as tho he was sleeping. I was crying uncontrollably and didnt care. I would miss my dad and there he was...he was there....but he was hollow and cold. We saw him again at the viewing and I did the same thing...and had the same feelings....i wanted to hug him and get lost in his big frame and big bear arms. I cried all the time and watched in amazement at all the wonderful support that came to say goodbye to dad. We had a prayer service and the closing of the casket before the service at the Gage building. Ryan gave a wonderful prayer. I hugged dad for the last time ever and couldnt help feel an overwhelming sense of sadness. I would never, ever see him again. My kids would not know him, my mom would be alone, my brothers would not grow up with him. He was gone and they were locking him away. He was going to be gone for a time. I only want to see him and be with him and laugh at his smirk. The service was amazing. Jen gave a wonderful talk. Jon did a beautiful job on the Eulogy. Tom's talk gave us great comfort. We sang amazing grace as siblings and spouses. Amy and me were short and sweet. The auditorium was filled into the gym. He always said no one would come to his funeral, but he was very wrong. Everyone was so kind and wonderful. Mom and Dad's ward had a lunch for us after the service. I hate that he is gone. It isnt fair, but that is how it is right now. Milestones will be missed and there will always be someone missing. Dad made things fun and controversial.